What was Dennis Nedry’s Password??!?!

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I’ve never really thought about it until I watched Jurassic Park recently, but seriously, what’s Dennis Nedry’s password? These guys came up with a few pretty funny guesses. CLICK HERE to see what they thought up. Personally, number 4 is my favorite, but HmmndSuck$! is pretty funny.

Top Five Guesses for Dennis Nedry’s Password.

Which Dunder Mifflin Employees Would Survive the Walking Dead?

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Being a huge fan of The Office and The Walking Dead, I not only found this hilarious, but totally believable. This article spells out what would happen to our beloved Office characters if they found themselves in a Walking Dead scenario. Some would survive (like Dwight, obviously), and many would come to untimely deaths (Meredith’s is pretty disturbing, but  completely believable).

Anyway, check this out. It’ll get you through the second half of hump day with a smile.

Click here to read the article. 

 

Worst Possible Star Wars IX Titles

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So I’m just going to leave this right here for everybody. I promise you’ll get a kick out of this. Also, what #terribletitle would you add? Tweet it to @electricbeacher

Worst Possible Star Wars IX Titles

When It’s Stupid to Play with Your Kids

Life is like a casino. You gamblers know what I mean. You win some, you lose some. But you lose A LOT! And you win just enough to keep going.

Life’s pattern:

Good day. Okay day. Bad day. Bad day. Good day. Bad day. Bad daybaddaybaddaybadday. Bad day.

At this point you want to take yourself out, but before you do make that jump…

MY GOD I FOUND A QUARTER! GOOD DAY!!! 

And then your cat dies. So, bad day again. Then you find out your upstairs neighbor is running a brothel. Another bad day. You’re wondering if it’s possible to knock yourself out with a bat. But wait…

TACO BELL’S COMING OUT WITH A NEW WAY TO EAT A TACO! So you decide to keep going until you try that taco.

All the while the goons upstairs are laughing at us like, “He bought it! He thought his life was actually going to turn around!”

We’re like those horses following carrots on a stick. We keep walking for just one more tiny little nip…

I took a walk with my family yesterday. My 3 year old daughter and I found a tree and we climbed it. (She climbed it, I hauled myself up then got stuck.) Well, it turns out climbing a tree was the dumbest thing I could have done. Midnight rolls around and I have to pee. I go to climb out of bed and I cursed loud enough for my wife to shoot up. She thought it was finally TIME. You know, THE heart attack or THE stroke we’re all just waiting for.

She wasn’t so fortunate.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

“Mie buck huts.”

“What?”

“My bake horts.” (I can’t very well point to my back because, you know, your back gives and takes away movement.)

“What?” she asks again.

“Well now my freaking throat hurts because I’ve been straining to tell you that my back hurts!!!!”

I almost beg her to just stick a tube up my ding-a-ling so I don’t have to move. We have one of those Nosefrida’s for the baby, and I was wondering how to make that work…

Anyway. I settle for just the heating pad because when I go number one at home, I sit down so I don’t run the risk of making a mess. I never got the hang of Say It, Don’t Spray It.

ANYway. My wife gets the heating pad. She’s tying all these pulleys to me and hoisting me up and maneuvering me and rolls me on top of the heating pad. As soon as she gets back in bed I grab that controller and crank it all the way up like I’m Trump set loose in the room with the Red Button.

I woke up this morning feeling a thousand times worse. I almost called in sick for the year. Like, I felt like Han Solo frozen in carbonite. I couldn’t move a muscle.

So we get an IcyHot patch. My wife lifts my shirt to stick it on, and when she does, she screams.

Which, of course, makes me scream, because immediately I’m thinking I’ve been gashed or something and she’s staring at my intestines.

So we’re both screaming. And that makes the kids scream.

“What’s wrong! What’s wrong!” I scream.

“Your back! It has… It has… lines!”

An image of me turning into a zebra crosses my mind. Like, Pinocchio smoked and turned into a jack-ass. I thought I might turn into a zebra because I snuck a milkshake without sharing with anyone two nights ago (this falls under No. 3 in the 7 Deadliest Father Sins).

She grabs my phone and takes a picture. (How cool is it that our phones can work as mirrors?)

And she shows me this:

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Yes. Those are 2nd degree burn marks from the heating pad I had cranked up all night. (I knew I was dreaming about barbecue!

So what does this have to do with casinos and life and good days/bad days?

You can avoid a bad day if you don’t gamble on your body doing more than you’re capable. Let your kid climb the damn tree, don’t try it yourself.

 

 

 

Wanna Know What an Ear Infection Feels Like?

When I was young and healthy I sometimes thought, Gee, I’d love to be sick for a day so I can just lie down and watch movies all day.

And then I had kids.

Let me qualify this entire post by stating that my wife – and I would surmise most wives – get it the hardest when the plague hits home. Mothers get the bug and have to take care of the sick kids, the whiny husband (that’s me), do the laundry, the dishes, and no one’s there to tuck them in because they’ve already tucked everyone else in and kissed their foreheads (including the husband – again, me).

Our house has been a house of horrors the last couple of weeks.

The kids had midnight fevers so high that one started hallucinating, which I could only imagine was  a slithering pile of snakes, worms, and silverfish crawling toward him, because that’s how he was acting, and the other kid had seizures.

My wife got it bad – headaches, coughing, you name it. But she was up and out of bed each time she heard anyone wake up. She deserves a medal of honor.

And I barely escaped the flu but got an ear infection instead. And let me tell you, I think I’d rather have the flu than an ear infection. (Imagine someone taking fruit knives and slicing the inside of your ear canal. Then imagine them pouring salt in those slices. Then imagine they keep rubbing sandpaper all around your salted cuts. Then throw in a migraine.)

I thought ear infections were for kids. Apparently not. After two trips to the doctor, increased medication, it still hurts like a very bad mother.

So that’s why I’ve been absent from this blog.

BUT if you’re looking for some awesome things to read, I’d highly encourage you to start checking out this guy right here: EndeverPublishing.

Now, excuse me while I go die.

(On another note, I finally watched Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and Rogue One. Both excellent films in every way for people who like steady, solid story lines.)

(Also, I was going to post a picture of the inside of my ear with yellow and green snotty wax dripping out of it, but I decided I didn’t want to lose any followers. So I’ll post this instead, because this is what I feel like:)

crying baby ears

Get well cards and flowers can be sent to my home in Kentucky. Also, I like sour worms, the candy. I always have to emphasize that I mean candy. Real worms terrify me.

My Adventures at Starbucks

I need to be grounded from Starbucks.

For the last decade and a half I’ve only ordered frappuccinos, which are basically just really fancy milkshakes. Be it summer or winter, I’d get a frappuccino because I really really hate hot beverages.

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A couple of weeks ago Starbucks ran this deal where if you buy one macchiato, you get a second one free. (If you don’t know, macchiatos are those fancy iced-coffee drinks that look like someone went way overboard with the cream.

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I always thought they looked kind of good. But when I learned that that’s not cream at the bottom, but VANILLA, I told Sarabeth we HAVE to try them!

We bought one and got one for free, and now, a couple of weeks later, I’ve had about 9 of them. I’m friggin’ addicted to this crap now, even at $5 a pop! And now Sarabeth feels like she can go to Starbucks with me because suddenly I’m a grown-up drinking grown-up drinks instead of milkshake-wannabe’s. Except that when I order my macchiato I ask them to “double the vanilla,” because there’s no such thing as enough vanilla.

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Well, in the past couple of weeks, I’ve ticked off quite a few Starbucks employees. (Be warned: after my confession you’re going to see me as a total jackass, but promise me you won’t say you wouldn’t do the same thing if you were cursed with my ineptitude for remembering key details.)

You see, when I was hooked of frappuccinos, I only had to decide on a flavor. Like, double-chocolate chip (which drove Sarabeth nuts because I chewed each individual chocolate chip with my front teeth like a crazed chipmunk), vanilla (cream-based, of course), mocha (which is basically a coffee-flavored milkshake), or any flavor of the season.

But with macchiatos I have to choose a flavor, remember to ask for extra vanilla, AND choose hot or cold, and apparently the default is hot. There’s no such thing as a hot frappuccino, otherwise it would just be a …ccino, and that just sounds racist for some reason.

Almost every time I’ve ordered a macchiato I’ve forgotten to ask for an ICED macciato. When they hand me the hot beverage with the cardboard coaster snug up around it, I know they see the look in my eyes and they’re already taking it back before I say, “I’m sorry, I meant to ask for an ICED macciato.”

They’re forced to fake a smile and say, “Certainly,” because those awesome Starbucks employees are trained that customers should always get what they want even if they’re complete jackasses like me. And then I sit in the car awkwardly while the line of cars grows behind me and I pretend to be texting someone on my phone even though under my breath I’m cursing myself for being such a jackass.

Why not just take the hot macchiato? Well, that would be like eating cow turd when you really wanted chocolate syrup. Big difference.

So my immediate life goal is to always remember to ask for ICED macchiatos so I don’t continue being that guy I never want to come across. That, or I should just start ordering macciatos with no coffee. Because let’s face it, vanilla is good cold or hot.

The Most Important Thing to Have at Work

I’ve been asked to pitch some ideas for an intracompany newsletter at my job today. The point of it being two-fold:

  1. To increase better communication between colleagues and management
  2. To make work fun

They don’t know it, but I’ve gone over and beyond with a Power Point presentation all set up and everything. In honor of Michael Scott, I even thought about throwing out candy bars during the pitch.

But it got me thinking a lot about having fun at work.

Why is that such a big deal and is it that important?

Speaking to a buddy of mine, I asked him the question I ask almost everyone I come in contact with: “What do you want out of life?” His answer: “I want to have fun at work. I want to sit back and laugh with my friends while we get work done.”

When we’re kids we naturally gravitate toward anything that’s bright, colorful, or even has the potential to be fun or funny.  Then we go through a phase where we back off from that sort of stuff for appearance’s sake. But once we’ve been in the dark long enough, as adults we crave what we fought so hard to obtain as kids.

We want the fun back.

We browse YouTube for hours looking for the next big laugh.

Fun and humor stimulate us. Back when I was the director of some after school programs, our best and most successful ideas came out of just gabbing and cracking jokes. Ed Catmull, in his brilliant and flawless book, Creativity, Inc. says the same thing about his team of power brains making all those Pixar movies.

Fun begets passion. When there’s no fun, there’s no passion. Passion drives ideas. Passion almost always benefits the bottom line. 

If you’re the owner of a company, imagine if all of your employees had passion on the clock. How much better would your customers be treated? How much could your business grow because of that?

I love the movie The Wolf of Wall Street. Like, even though we can’t own it since there’s kids in the house, that movie is on my list of top five favorites. Why? Because those dudes be havin’ FUN! Sure, they broke the law and got busted, but I don’t think they ever looked back and regretted the fun they had.

wows-dwarfI also don’t think it’s a coincidence that my favorite band is Fun..

So, I challenge you to put together a list of ideas for your team at work, or for your manager, and present this simple yet beautiful idea of fun. If you can’t do that, start cracking jokes at company meetings, shake things up. Wear a funny hat to work or pull some pranks. Some work environments might not like it, so know the rules and don’t get yourself fired (and if you’re in that sort of situation, get out of there already), but find little things you can do to brighten up your day. Because when you’re happy, others will be happy, too. Happiness is contagious.

Here’s a little something I did at work not too long ago. My little addition to the janitor’s sign was taken down after like, a minute, but I did see the guy after me walk out smiling.

Now, start aiming for a good time. Life is short (and it’s even shorter if you die of a heart attack because work is so stressful and boring).