This Thanksgiving There Will Be Blood

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This Thanksgiving falls sixteen days after the presidential nomination.

Some rejoice the results while others bemoan the abomination.

 

Verbal shots will be taken and friends will fall prey

to the slander and abuse that will take place on this day.

 

No longer will just the blood of turkeys be spilled

but those of our family and friends as our bellies are filled.

 

Instead of giving thanks around the table this year

Americans one and all will incite loathing and fear.

 

“You tree-hugging liberal skank,” some will abhor.

And on the table’s opposite: “You racist republican whore.”

 

They’ll start off as groans and hard-to-hear mumbles

as the potatoes boil they’ll become audible grumbles.

 

Eye-rolls will turn into daggers shot hard

as all await the first to play the dreaded Trump card.

 

The stuffing will be dished with fingers stiff and pointing

mocking the cabinet Trump is appointing.

 

But let’s not forget those who voted for a party third

They’ll be blending in while cutting and also flipping the bird.

 

Whispers will give way to talk then raise to loud shouting

and the expletives will become part of the verbal spouting.

 

“You voted for that blood-spilling, lying bitch?”

“Do you not value me as a woman, or do you have a brain-glitch?”

 

On it will go no one having the time of their lives

“Pass me the garlic, the onions, and chives!”

 

Phones will be passed in lieu of toasty gravy,

sharing videos of Hillary bashing the NAVY.

 

More videos: Hillary bowing toward Mecca!

More videos: Trump groping my friend Miss Rebecca!

 

Trump has too much hair! Hillary’s eyebrows too bushy!

Hillary’s just reaching for power! Trumps grabbing…well, he’s pushy.

 

Some will say, “Throw Hillary in jail!”

Others say it’s to Trump we should heil.

 

Hillary loves terrorists! Trump loves Putin!

(My face is bloating, do these yams have gluten?)

 

All the while there’s a corpse on our table who had a shot at more life

But today’s president did not pardon this bird from the knife.

 

I ask you, how is that fair and how do we fare?

We still bicker and fight though we still get to breathe air.

 

So when you look at that turkey and slice its gullet

think back to a time of Game Boys and mullets.

 

When you were a kid at the Thanksgiving table,

the peace was so nice it was almost a fable.

 

Don’t judge your gay neighbors or steal your uncle’s guns.

Just laugh with your friends and have fun

(and don’t forget to grab some buns).

 

Happy Thanksgiving Americans one and all.

 

And the Best Mexican Movie Ever Is…

In honor of Cinco De Mayo (my third favorite holiday), and as a huge fan of Steve Martin and Martin Short, I’d like to pay homage to a Mexican/American classic, The Three Amigos. Enjoy and celebrate with all the burritos, tacos, and queso you can stuff your cara with! De nada.

Oh, and join my new author Facebook page for muchas cosas!

Movies to Drive Home the Holidays

I went and saw Dumb and Dumber To last week and, with the exception of adumb 2 couple of really awkward scenes, I really enjoyed it. So naturally I re-watched the original, being my all-time favorite comedy and found it just as funny as it was twenty years ago and Harry and Lloyd graced the world with their stupidity.

With Thanksgiving approaching, I made it a point to also watch another favorite, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. At about the part where Steve Martin’s rental car isn’t in the parking lot and he starts throwing a fit chasing after the bus, I realized, I’ve really been watching a lot of road-trip movies lately. 

And then it made me think how appropriate a road trip movie is this time of year since road trips promote closeness and conversation… Or highway pranks, burnt cars, being sideswiped by semi trucks, going a sixth of the way in the wrong direction… Well, many just a lot of laughs.

I know there’s plenty others out there, but these are the ones I find myself returning to on a regular basis. Share your favorite below!

The Best Road Trip Movies

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Dumb and Dumber

Best line: “If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she’ll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.”

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Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Best line: “Those aren’t pillows!” Read last year’s blog here.

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Tommy Boy

Best line: “Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a kid?”

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A Goofy Movie

Best line: “How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?”

Be sure to download my e-book, I Am the Lion.

 

 

They Risked All

The-American-Patriots-Almanac-365-reasons-to-love-AmericaThe following is taken from The American Patriot’s Almanac by William J. Bennett and John T.E. Cribb.

On July 4, 1776, delegates to the Continental Congress in Philadelphia voted to adopt the Declaration of Independence. The men who issued that famous document realized they were signing their own death warrants, since the British would consider them traitors. Many suffered hardship during the Revolutionary War.

William Floyd of New York saw the British use his home for a barracks. His family fled to Connecticut, where they lived as refugees. After the war Floyd found his fields stripped and house damaged.

Richard Stockton of New Jersey was dragged from his from his bed, thrown into prison, and treated liked a common criminal. His home was looted and his fortune badly impaired. He was released in 1777, but his health was broken. He died a few years later.

At age sixty-three, John Hart, another New Jersey signer, hid in the woods during December 1776 while Hessian soldiers hunted him across the countryside. He died before the war’s end. The New Jersey Gazette reported that he “continued to the day he was seized with his last illness to discharge the duties of a faithful and upright patriot in the service of his country.”

Thomas Nelson, a Virginian, commanded militia and served as governor during the Revolution. He reportedly instructed artillerymen to fire at his own house in Yorktown when he heard the British were using it as a headquarters. Nelson used his personal credit to raise money for the Patriot cause. His sacrifices left him in financial distress, and he was unable to repair his Yorktown home after the war.

Thomas Heyward, Arthur Middleton, and Edward Rutledge, three South Carolina signers, served in their state’s militia and were captured when the British seized Charleston. They spent a year in a St. Augustine prison and, when released, found their estates plundered.

Such were the prices paid so we may celebrate freedom every Fourth of July.

The Best Father’s Day Movies

Father’s Day is coming up. The holiday holds true for many people in different walks of life. Maybe you’re still living with your father, or you’re far away from him. Maybe your father died. Perhaps, even, you’re a father yourself now, as this will be my first Father’s Day as a dad. As you well know, there are many movies about father/child relationships. I’ve compiled a short list of some of my favorite movies about dads and their relationship with their kids.

After all, if you’re struggling with planning the perfect Father’s Day, keep in mind that sometimes the best thing a father can have is a couch, a box of pizza, and a movie.

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Big Fish – This may be my favorite Tim Burton movie; it’s a bit weird, but not at all creepy. It’s the story of a grown son trying to put together his dad’s fabrications of life in the truest sense.

Best line: “A man tells his stories so many times that he becomes the stories. They live on after him, and in that way he becomes immortal.”

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Bill Cosby, Himself – This is a hysterical standup done by Bill Cosby. As engaging as any 90-minute movie, and funnier than most comedies I’ve seen. Cosby takes the audience on a whirlwind adventure from dating to marriage to childbirth to kicking the kids out of the house. It’s impossible not to crack up, especially if you’ve “been there.”

Best line: “We [parentes] don’t want justice. We want quiet!” 

dan_jpg_627x325_crop_upscale_q85_jpg_627x325_crop_upscale_q85_jpg_627x325_crop_upscale_q85Dan in Real Life – A sweet movie about a widowed father trying to raise his three daughters while visiting the extended family. Steve Carrell shows a bit of his serious/charming side in this one.

Best line: “Love is not a feeling, Mr. Burns. It’s an ability.”

despicalbe meDespicable Me – Another Steve Carrell favorite, more on the silly side. Despicable Me is considered, in our house, to be nearly as good as a Pixar movie. Maybe it’s the whole adoption thing we like so much. After all, three adorable girls can soften even the hardest of hearts, right?

Best line: “It’s so fluffy I’m gonna die!” (That was for you, Sarabeth)

fiddler on roofFiddler on the Roof – And while we’re talking about movies with dads raising three daughters, I’ll throw in this gem. What man can’t relate to Tevye, who just wants a little more money, who just wants to keep his wife’s affections, and who just wants to keep his daughters at home? I’ll admit, as funny as this movie can be, some scenes are pretty tough to get through, especially if you have daughters of your own.

Best line: [To God] “If money is a curse, then smite me with it!”

MSDFAOF EC079Father of the Bride – If you haven’t seen this a million times already… I just don’t know what to say to you.

Best line: “This was the moment I’d been dreading for the past six months. Well, actually for the past 22 years.”

finding nemoFinding Nemo – Search the entire ocean to find my lost son? No problem. Letting him grow up… eh, not so easy.

Best line: “Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.”

GoofyMovieA Goofy Movie – You know, I’ve met some people who didn’t like Lord of the Rings (they’re not my friends). I’ve also heard of some people not liking pizza. But I have never heard of anybody – ever – not liking A Goofy Movie. My dad, in fact, would sit and watch this with me growing up, and getting him to watch any cartoon was like pulling teeth. Yeah, this is the ultimate Father’s Day movie.

Best line: Goofy: “You look just like I did at your age.” Max: “Please don’t say that, Dad.”

mrs-doubtfireMrs. Doubtfire – Dress up as a woman to see your kids everyday? Er, um, sure thing. I think most dads would get this. Robin Williams at his absolute best here. (BTW, they’re working on a sequel… what do you think about that?)

Best line: “My first day as a woman and I’m getting hot flashes.”

parenthoodParenthood – Another Steve Martin favorite and directed by Ron Howard (what a pair, huh?). This is the movie that inspired NBC’s awesome show Parenthood. Just a good flick about how parenthood never ever ends – and there’s never a break. (Ironically, don’t watch this with the kids around.)

Best line: Karen: “Do you really have to go?” Gil: “My whole life is have to.”

shrek-forever-afterShrek Forever After – In an effort to erase the deplorable Shrek the Third from existence, Dreamworks puts together a valiant effort in this fourth installment. Shrek is in over his head with this whole fatherhood thing, and he gets his wish to have everything back the way it was before he got married.

Best line: “Are my kids cute or do they make people uncomfortable?” 

What are your favorite movies about fathers? List ’em bellow, I’d love to hear them!

 

Today is the Day

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Good morning.

Today is an unusual day; a day you don’t get very often.

Today you get to start over.

Today is the day that starts with many of your Yes’s being No’s and many of your No’s being Yes’s.

Today is the day you begin breaking habits, and creating new ones.

Don’t underestimate the importance of today.

If you’ve resolved to read a chapter in a book every day, today is the day to start.

If you’ve resolved to pray every day this year, then do it. Today.

Five years from now, you have the chance to look back and see a clear line drawn in the sand of time and you can say, “I haven’t smoked since the last day of 2013. 2014 was the start of my best year ever.”

If you’ve resolved to exercise this year, today is the day to start.

Because if you don’t, you likely never will.

Today is the day to say no to what you said yes to yesterday.

No to the carbs, to too much TV, to porn, to sarcastic comments, to bad attitudes, to cursing, to honking too much, to raising your voice in arguments, to arguing for arguing’s sake…

Today is also the day to start saying yes to what you said no to yesterday.

Yes to exercising, to smiling, to laughing, to giving, to singing, to dancing, to writing that book you’ve been meaning to write, to reading, to hugging your spouse, to hugging your kids, to counseling, to applying to better jobs, to getting those paint canvases, to starting that business…

Today is much different from yesterday.

Yesterday was the end of a long string of failures and upsets.

Today is the beginning of good choices and a better attitude.

Nothing changes over night, but change can begin in one day.

One January day.

One day like today.

Don’t miss it.

Like my book, The Man in the Box, on Facebook for a chance to win a free autographed copy! (“I was not disappointed—I finished it in a day. I had a hard time putting it down … ” -Ken Stewart, blogger) Click here for more details.

My New Year’s Resolution

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2013 may have brought a lot of tears for you.

Maybe it brought a lot of prosperity and happiness.

Maybe it was the year you met God. Maybe it was the year you fell from Him.

Maybe you got married, had kids, got a promotion.

Or got fired.

2013 means different things to everyone.

For me, though, whether it was a good year or a bad year, I resolve to let 2013 be the worst year of my life.

I lost my temper one too many times this year. I snapped at my wife too often. I yelled at God.

A lot.

We also got a new puppy this year, and we upgraded most of our electronics. I read 30 books and discovered a bunch of new music.

We visited Nashville, Ohio, North Carolina, Florida, and other states.

We attended no weddings, but also no funerals. And we celebrated the birth of several friends’ babies.

But regardless of all that, I resolve to let 2013 be the worst year.

And 2014 is going to be the best. Because I will snap at my wife less, date her more, and although I don’t care much for Louisville, Kentucky (compared to other parts of the country), I will live like this is our last year here and we have to see and do everything.

So come on, 2014. Bring it on.

The apocalypse may happen this year, whether by biblical proportions, or by zombies, but 2014 will still be the best.

Why?

Because of two things.

My attitude

and by praying more.

Share your New Year’s resolutions below and encourage all of our readers to make 2014 the best year ever.

Win a free autographed copy of my suspense/adventure novel, The Man in the Box. Click here for details. (“There was no going to bed until I’d reached the end. The suspense had me on the edge of my seat with worry … heart thumping out of control the whole time, except for that one minute where it almost stopped.” -Danielle E. Shipley, author and blogger)