My Adventures at Starbucks

I need to be grounded from Starbucks.

For the last decade and a half I’ve only ordered frappuccinos, which are basically just really fancy milkshakes. Be it summer or winter, I’d get a frappuccino because I really really hate hot beverages.

1460738945-frappaccuino-starbucks

A couple of weeks ago Starbucks ran this deal where if you buy one macchiato, you get a second one free. (If you don’t know, macchiatos are those fancy iced-coffee drinks that look like someone went way overboard with the cream.

icedcaramelmacchiato-600x860

I always thought they looked kind of good. But when I learned that that’s not cream at the bottom, but VANILLA, I told Sarabeth we HAVE to try them!

We bought one and got one for free, and now, a couple of weeks later, I’ve had about 9 of them. I’m friggin’ addicted to this crap now, even at $5 a pop! And now Sarabeth feels like she can go to Starbucks with me because suddenly I’m a grown-up drinking grown-up drinks instead of milkshake-wannabe’s. Except that when I order my macchiato I ask them to “double the vanilla,” because there’s no such thing as enough vanilla.

icedcaramelmacchiato

Well, in the past couple of weeks, I’ve ticked off quite a few Starbucks employees. (Be warned: after my confession you’re going to see me as a total jackass, but promise me you won’t say you wouldn’t do the same thing if you were cursed with my ineptitude for remembering key details.)

You see, when I was hooked of frappuccinos, I only had to decide on a flavor. Like, double-chocolate chip (which drove Sarabeth nuts because I chewed each individual chocolate chip with my front teeth like a crazed chipmunk), vanilla (cream-based, of course), mocha (which is basically a coffee-flavored milkshake), or any flavor of the season.

But with macchiatos I have to choose a flavor, remember to ask for extra vanilla, AND choose hot or cold, and apparently the default is hot. There’s no such thing as a hot frappuccino, otherwise it would just be a …ccino, and that just sounds racist for some reason.

Almost every time I’ve ordered a macchiato I’ve forgotten to ask for an ICED macciato. When they hand me the hot beverage with the cardboard coaster snug up around it, I know they see the look in my eyes and they’re already taking it back before I say, “I’m sorry, I meant to ask for an ICED macciato.”

They’re forced to fake a smile and say, “Certainly,” because those awesome Starbucks employees are trained that customers should always get what they want even if they’re complete jackasses like me. And then I sit in the car awkwardly while the line of cars grows behind me and I pretend to be texting someone on my phone even though under my breath I’m cursing myself for being such a jackass.

Why not just take the hot macchiato? Well, that would be like eating cow turd when you really wanted chocolate syrup. Big difference.

So my immediate life goal is to always remember to ask for ICED macchiatos so I don’t continue being that guy I never want to come across. That, or I should just start ordering macciatos with no coffee. Because let’s face it, vanilla is good cold or hot.

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About Andrew Toy
I'm in the beginning stages of starting my own publishing company that's unlike anything you've ever heard of in the industry. The direction of AdoptingJames is taking a 90-degree turn and will be more writing/publishing-focused. Stay tuned for huge updates and exciting news!

30 Responses to My Adventures at Starbucks

  1. simonjkyte says:

    macciato just means ‘stained’

  2. eightbitbabe says:

    I love this because I know the struggle just with hot drinks coming to me iced. I am constantly returning my Starbucks drinks because they come out cold. However, I wouldn’t worry about it too much because they are technically supposed to ask you “hot or iced?” instead of assuming. Also, Macchiatos are delicious, and I didn’t know there were vanilla ones now? Whoah.

  3. recscholar says:

    I feel like you are just a tiny bit behind me on your coffee addiction journey. I started with Fraps and moved into iced macchiatos and then graduated to cold brew vanilla. Always cold drinks no matter what the weather.

  4. Thanks for the laughter! Laughter is good medicine. Have a great day and I’m so thankful that you have finally adopted James! What awesome news…y’all more than deserve it after all you’ve been through along the way. Blessings for James & for y’all.

  5. J says:

    I tried one for the first time recently as well and I had the opposite problem- I thought it was going to be hot but they gave me iced. I actually really enjoyed it! #powertotheaddict

  6. kethuprofumo says:

    Funny post indeed…Is Starbucks still in fashion? Hm….They use weak coffee equipment so the taste is not full. I guess you can find something worthy in your area, dear Andrew.

    Best regards,

    Maria

  7. marlysteck says:

    The iced drinks are about half as difficult to make as the hot ones, since you don’t have to steam the milk. So it’s better to make your mistake than the other way around.

    I guarantee the employees are not angry at you. Depending on how crazy busy it is they may get a little ruffled, but, trust me, they’ve seen worse (my favourite is when a customer asked us to remake his drink because someone else touched the cup to turn it to see if it was theirs… almost started a brawl because the touch-er was offended).

    Also, the white at the bottom *is* milk (unless something changed in the 7 years since I worked there). The vanilla syrup is clear! I enjoy the macchiato layers, but you can also order it “stirred” or “upside down”, if you don’t want to do the mixing yourself!

    • Andrew Toy says:

      That’s insane! If someone touched my drink, I’d make them feel awkward and be like, “Wanna sip?” And you totally ruined my illusion! I thought it was vanilla! It tastes like vanilla at the bottom and so I do this upward motion when I sip through the straw to mix it all in.

  8. Terese says:

    Oh my goodness, ordering anything at Starbucks stresses me out!

  9. thewriteedge says:

    You know, if you park your car and go inside, not only do you not irritate the other people in the drive thru, but also ypu might get your drink a little faster AND the baristas have a MUCH higher chance of remembering you after your fourth or fifth regular visit. Then they’ll automatically remember the drink you like and the way you like it.

    Not that I would, you know, know that from personal experience or anything. But, then again, I’m almost exclusively a (hot) tea drinker, and I’m finicky about letting it brew before adding my 2 percent milk…which almost all the regular baristas I visit automatically know to give me without my asking. :>

  10. wintervines says:

    As someone on the barista side, they should probably be asking hot or iced, especially as we move into spring haha. But a little give on both sides will go a long way too! It also definitely makes it easier on the barista if you clarify up front, considering they have half a million other questions to ask.

    Eventually they’ll probably start remembering you too (at least hopefully; we try to with all our customers because it makes it easier and it’s a nice thing to do).

    If you love vanilla, the vanilla sweet cream cold brew is probably right up your alley.

  11. I just loved this !!! omg my daughter is you hahaha okay I love it too Just one thing so in the maccchiato it’s vanilla not milk?and how does extra vanilla taste? I need to try the extra . Oh and if you think your a jack ass hmm count me in hahaha I ordered like you but got a salted caramel one and forgot to say iced okay should of looked at the screen my daughter voiced loudly because she didn’t think I said iced so we get up to window I see what you see hot cup I’m like Cannot drink that my daughter rolled her eyes and said your going to make her mad .I just told the lady I meant iced okay smile on face but roll of the eyes she says fine .yeah we had a line as well. yeah Im sure they dislike me too.

  12. Reblogged this on quirkywritingcorner and commented:
    I’ve been to Starbucks only once, and with a friend because she wanted to go. (I’m playing my age card) I’m too old to learn a new language. That’s what it looked like when I stared at the menu board. Somewhere in there had to be a plain coffee. This was super helpful because now I can order a couple different ones for my characters.

  13. LOL….. Amazing and funny. Nice, thanks for sharing. Reposting as well.

  14. Janet says:

    I don’t drink coffee of any kind. Never have. I’ve been to Starbucks once and had a bottle of water. So perhaps you will understand my ignorance when I ask, “can’t they just put ice in your hot drink?”

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