I Hope You Don’t Die So You Can Read This

I’m not good at many things, but I’m awesome at jinxing people.

I’m also pretty incredible at not being like everyone else. And sometimes these two go hand-in-hand.

For instance, I have two colleagues at work who leave a half-hour before I do and every time they leave I try to say things that other people wouldn’t normally say.

So instead of saying, “Have a good night,” I say, “I hope your night doesn’t suck.”

Or instead of, “See you tomorrow,” I say, “Keep your phone nearby in case you choke on your dinner.”

I’m not morbid; it gets a laugh out of them. Plus, I like being remembered.

A couple of favorites have been, “Don’t crash on your way home,” or, “If you do crash, limp away, if you can, from the site in case you have a gas leak and your car’s on fire.”

Well, turns out neither of them listened to me.

In the past three weeks, one colleague totaled her car in a snow storm, and the other one came limping into work with a leg brace and an cast on his arm he won from a bad wreck. I understand he dragged himself away from his car, semi-consious, before the fire got out of control. I take credit for him still being with us today.

So now my supervisor is coaching me on common social cues such as, “Drive safe,” and “See you bright and early tomorrow.”

That’s boring. And, never has a “Be careful” saved a life.

To further my defense, my way of bidding people farewell causes them to think a little differently about things. Like, “Wow I totally could have been hit by that merging semi on the freeway.” Or, “That Big Mac could have been the last thing my weakening heart could have taken. Glad it didn’t get wedged in my throat. But if it did, I had 911 ready and by my side.”

Here, at no charge, I’ll offer you a couple of my trademark takeaways:

That book you’re working on could be the only one you get a chance to attempt.

That song you’re writing could be you’re only hit.

Your blog could be your only major social media presence. Ever.

You could think of those as being negative, or you could see the message behind them. If you do the latter, it just means you have to put extra effort into what you’re currently working on.

I realize my publishing company may be the only chance I have to own and run a business. This may be my one shot. So I’ve got to make it really good.

Don’t just “have a good day,” or, “drive safe.”

Don’t crap out. Don’t give up. Don’t crash.

If you do, hopefully your spouse and kids will still be around to gather around your coffin. That is what I wish for you and for me.

Have you entered the Endever Writing Contest yet? Write a 500-word story and win $150! Deadline is February 25th.

 

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About Andrew Toy
I'm in the beginning stages of starting my own publishing company that's unlike anything you've ever heard of in the industry. The direction of AdoptingJames is taking a 90-degree turn and will be more writing/publishing-focused. Stay tuned for huge updates and exciting news!

19 Responses to I Hope You Don’t Die So You Can Read This

  1. Myan Tres says:

    Ooohhh, these are great “greetings” I would like to try on people I don’t really like.

  2. colingarrow says:

    Funny and thought provoking. Hmmm.

  3. Like your humorous way of looking at things! Actually, death is only one breath away from any of us and we need to grab each moment and squeeze it until it sobs. And if that’s our last breath and we wake up in Heaven, we’ve given it our best. Hope your publishing company won’t go belly up and if it does…it will only be because it wants a good scratch!

  4. Ocean Bream says:

    Oh, hello. A kindred spirit, I sense! I love this, but am also in dreadful fear of this jinxing business.

  5. Is your supervisor really coaching you on social cues? That’s hilarious

  6. mn6363 says:

    Hilarious! You’re logic is very sound!

  7. I always love an excellent safety briefing. In my work as a duty officer at an Air Force base, I used to tell young airmen that “I didn’t want to call their momma and tell her you are dead because you are stupid. Dead is bad enough, but your momma doesn’t need to know because you were stupid and broke the safety rules you are dead, on the ground, under the wing of an airplane, because you fell off the k-loader , because you went past the red line! Now, go stand over there and call your momma. Tell her she didn’t raise a stupid son.”

    • Andrew Toy says:

      I love this more than you know.

      • I was dealing with 18-22 year olds, and they all thought I was just a cranky old civilian employee trying to tell them what to do. My goal was to “get their attention” and it worked! 🙂 I also told them if they died on my shift, it was a whole lot more paperwork than they were worth! 🙂 Many times in my years on the flightline, I have had my “young ones” come back later and say thanks for grabbing my attention. My young ones are all retiring from the military now!

      • I was dealing with 18-22 year olds, and they all thought I was just a cranky old civilian employee trying to tell them what to do. My goal was to “get their attention” and it worked! 🙂 I also told them if they died on my shift, it was a whole lot more paperwork than they were worth! 🙂 Many times in my years on the flightline, I have had my “young ones” come back later and say thanks for grabbing my attention. My young ones are all retiring from the military now!

  8. Good one!

    Reminds me a little of my one friend who always says, “Potato!” when people ask how he is… most people are so caught up in their own sh!t to notice what he actually says.

    True- we need to live life every day in case it’s our last shot!

  9. piratepatty says:

    Nice! I have said “Don’t die while I’m gone, okay?”

  10. Wow. For a second there, I wasn’t sure where you were going. 🙂 But fantastic message. And congratulations on the publishing company!

  11. Jaye Street says:

    Fab. Real, life, live.

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